I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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