If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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