just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
