So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
