Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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