Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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