I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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