i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
