Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
