I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
