My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
