I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
