I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
