Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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