The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the day after is always just damage control
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize