im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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