No stitches, just platelets and will power
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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