whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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