The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
