you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
