someone get that fucking seahorse.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
