I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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