Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
