you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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