i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
