Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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