Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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