stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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