he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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