normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
