i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
