I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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