Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Two words: nipple clamps
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