there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
