Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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