Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
