at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
