You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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