Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
