I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I will pee on everything he values.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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