can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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