i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
