Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
