we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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