So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
