Someone shit on the floor
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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