i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
i think im in europe. pls send help
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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