I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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