so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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