Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
