Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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