They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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