the condom got lost in my hair
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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