i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
