So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
