Hey man sorry I got all grabby
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
