i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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