I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
