I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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