WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
