I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i believe in u and ur pee
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
