The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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