He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
