I met the friendliest cop last night
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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